High Anxiety

I have been on the fence about sharing this, some would say I have some anxiety about it lol.  But in all seriousness, I felt vulnerable putting this post out there.   But, it also felt really invigorating and exciting to share it, knowing that so many others suffer through anxiety as I do, and that this might touch them, even just a little bit. So, here goes, I suffer from anxiety.  

When I say suffer, I don’t just mean that I have anxiety or I was diagnosed to have anxiety, I mean I really SUFFER from anxiety.  As far back as I can remember, I can remember being an anxious person.  I take my worrying to a whole new level.  I perseverate, I fixate, I obsess.  My husband often says, “you’re not living unless you are worrying about something”, he knows me so well.

It can be the littlest thing that sets me off.  Sometimes I have even forgotten what I was worried about, and then I worry that I can’t remember what I was worried about, it’s horrible!  My mother doesn’t suffer from this horrible mind sucking abyss of anxiety.  And while I am glad she doesn’t have to live like this, there are parts of me that hates her for it, because when she says “you need to stop” or “try and turn it off” I wish she would understand the turmoil that was inside of me.  As if I hadn’t thought, “gee that’s a great idea, I should just stop.”

There is no end to anxiety, just transference, like energy.  For example, two years ago my new barnwood dining table seemed to possibly be infested with some sort of bug.  At first we thougth it was termites, and after spraying it and dragging it out in the snow the exterminator told us it wasn’t infested with termites and going to eat my whole house.  So when I found out that the table didn’t have termites, I didn’t just feel instant relief, instead I shifted my anxiety little.  Ok, so it doesnt have termites, great, but wait, uh oh, did I damage to the table by spraying it with that bug spray, the legs feel a little loose now that we moved it, will it fall apart?  UGH! My anxiety just seems to shift focus.  

I am pretty vocal about my anxiety, partly because I am an oversharer and partly because talking about things makes me feel better about them.  I voice what I am anxious about so hopefully I will hear someone share a similiar experience that had a positive outcome to help me calm my fears.  And may lightning strike you down if you share that it had a negative outcome because that just dials my anxiety up to a level of a million.  

As the years have gone by I have learned how to cope with my anxiety, and at one point I was on lexapro.  For three years I was on lexapro, and while it helped my anxiety it had other side-effects which ultimately led me to go off the lexapro, and now I am back to trying to live with my anxiety.  I have found that reading, taking a bath, doing yoga, are ways to help me cope with my anxiety.  Keeping my brain busy helps a lot.  I wish that I could just make it disappear, but I know that will never happen.  I have developed tinnitus, which if you didnt know is ringing in the ear.  My ENT thinks it is because I have TMJ and clench my jaw when I am sleeping.  This is caused by my anxiety, I of worry it’s brain tumor.   Do you suffer from anxiety?  Do you lay at night awake with thoughts you just can’t turn off that have no real logic?  How do you cope?  If you do, then know that at 3 am when you are tossing and turning not being able to change your thoughts or turn off your brain, that you are not alone.  I am probably laying under my gray and white paisley duvet worrying about something ridiculous.

And just to make you laugh, some great memes about anxiety.

The shoemaker's kds have no shoes, and the photographer's kid has no prints

You know that saying that the shoemaker's kids have no shoes? I tell clients constantly to make sure they print their images, and yet in my home life I am lacking. There is a reason for this though, I am overwhelmed. I take so many photos that I get bogged down when it comes time to print and I have so many favorites it makes it very hard to choose. Plus, where do I put all these photos? I only have so much wall space and so many frames. Well, here is how I solved that issue and get my images off my hard drive and into my home so that my kids can look at them over and over, and that is with photo books. Every year I print my family a photo book. I also will make them after a vacation if I feel it is needed. This year's photo book is a ridiculous number of pages with around 700 or so images. It takes forever to make these books and I try and use the autofill feature to help the book be filled in and then tweak it afterward so that it gets done. This year instead of waiting until March of 2018 to make my 2017 book, I decided to be pro-active and start my book and fill it in once a month as it goes along. I have chosen my favorite images for the month and then uploaded them to my book. This has helped me be way more organized and now I am not dreading making my family's yearbook.

So, what companies do I use for my photo books? Typically I will use shutterfly. While I HATE their prints, their photo books are printed really nicely. The book above was printed by shutterfly. I have also used Artifact Uprising. Their quality is AMAZING and I love the soft covered book I made for my vacation in Ireland. They also have amazing prints. If you haven't checked them out before, you should. I also have used My Publisher, but I believe they may be closing or have sold to Shutterfly, I am not sure. You can see the books I have made over the years.

One year I somehow messed up and you can see I have a blank white cover, no idea what happened but it doesn't really bother me. Also, I am not one of those people who have all their photo books the same size, but if that is something you would prefer you can certainly do that.

Long Island Lifestyle Newborn Session Baby Olivia

Oh my goodness, when I pulled up to this house and saw all the amazing windows I think I might have actually drooled. This house was a photographer's dream, huge big windows everywhere and white walls, I mean the light was a dream, and thank goodness because this day was so overcast with flurries, so I was nervous how much available natural light I would have. That's the downside to doing lifestyle sessions, you never know what the lighting situation is going to be, but usually all I need is one good window. As for this family, they were just so much fun to photograph, they were laid back and so sweet and really just a joy to be around. Even crying little Olivia is just adorable! Don't you love the face of a newborn crying? Is it just me? I don't like that they are upset but the conviction and emotion that they emit is just amazing at only a few days old. They certainly know what they want!

Long Island Indoor Lifestyle Photography Session Reyes Family

So I know I have talked about this a lot, and you might not want to hear about it again, but I seriously LOVE doing indoor lifestyle sessions in my clients' homes. Here's the thing, you feel most comfortable in your home, which lends itself to getting more natural photographs of your family interacting and being together. Kids, especially very young children, feel more comfortable in their home. When the children are comfortable the photography session goes really smoothly and who doesn't want a smooth and easy photography session. And since the kids are relaxed, mom and dad become relaxed; win, win, win, I say! I think most people hesitate to do an indoor session in their homes because we all get hung up on the things we don't feel are "picture worthy" in our homes, maybe it's not as clean as you want it to be, or there is an area of your home that you don't really feel is decorated well, or you have messy kids, like me, and your house is always a little bit of a mess. I get it, I live the same way you do, but your house doesn't have to be perfect for an in-home session, I promise you. I tell clients to tell me the rooms that are off limits, for me that is my office, it is so horribly overcrowded with crap, I would NEVER want it to be photographed, but my kitchen can be de-cluttered in about 5 minutes and gets great light. Plus a lot can be cropped out, trust me, that pile of clothes over in the corner of the room gets hidden by the bed. But being at home can be so wonderful because I get to capture your baby carrying her blankey, or that arms up that they do when they want you to lift them out of their crib, or the way they like to make silly faces in the hallway mirror. These are the images you will cherish when they are older and their blanket that they had to take everywhere is now somewhere under their bed collecting dust because they haven't needed it to sleep in 5 years.

Why I embarked on another 365 project

Last year I decided to try my hand at a 365 project, where I would take a picture a day for 365 days. It was actually 366 days since 2016 was a leap year. I started out strong, but by September I had lost steam and gave up all together. My main issue were days where I was not inspired and felt like the photograph was more of a chore than exciting. I also found that it was hard for me to keep up with uploading the photographs each day and editing and posting, so I would let a week go by and then feel overwhelmed. I have learned that when I am overwhelmed I don’t plow through, instead I bury my head in the sand and walk away, which is exactly what I did in September. So you may be wondering why I would choose to do this to myself again. Am I a glutton for punishment? Do I like to set myself up for failure? No, it is because I need to challenge myself in order to stay motivated. This year I decided to take on the 365 project to actually finish it but more than that I want to push myself. I want to try out new lighting, low lighting, new techniques and this pushes me to do that instead of procrastinate. It forces me to see things differently, take my camera with me when I go out, and document our days. Another part of my 365 project is to do a portrait a week project. I am trying to take a portrait of my kids each week. I want to be able to capture all their silly faces, changes that occur, their moods, etc. and this sounded like a great way to do it.

I hope you will follow along with me. It helps to keep me encouraged if I know people are following along. Also, if you are doing a 365 please share it with me. If you have any ideas for me to try send them my way as well, sometimes I get stumped and having some suggestions would be great.

I hope you enjoy my January photos.  I will be updating the blog at the end of each month, and talk about what I learned, what went well, what failed, how I hate myself for doing this lol, you know that kinda stuff.

You can follow along on my 365 project on flickr My weekly portrait project is also on flickr